There is no place like home!  Who would have thought that a corner wall of my home would make me feel so vulnerable, but safe at the same time?  Never did I ever think I would spend time reflecting, battling thoughts and feelings, and challenging myself against all odds.

It all started when my children no longer needed me—-many would tell me that is a good thing; I would say it was one of the toughest moments in my life.   My eldest daughter was working multiple jobs, graduating from college, and preparing to get married; my youngest was working and heading to college.   I was looking forward to the “empty-nester” phase of my life many boasted about.   Little did I know and what people failed to tell me were the emotions and phases I would experience before the happy “empty-nester” period.   I thought somehow it magically happens and life is good.  Well, that was not my case, I got a taste of freedom-no one was calling, needing or asking me to do something—I could do my own thing without worrying about others. It did not feel right.  Then, one day it hit me, who am I?  Am I loved? Where is everyone?  

Sometime during my excitement of being free, going to work without morning hassles and doing things for myself felt worthless. I yearn for my children to need me, so I filled my time with meeting friends and becoming a workaholic.  However, that did not fill my void.  For me raising children was about sacrificing my time, my individuality and surrendering my sense of self. Nurturing strong, stable, independent and responsible women meant they could stand on their own two feet without regret and fear.  So, why could I not do the same?  I was always helping others, fighting for fairness and equality, and being available for my family and friends. However, in a blink of an eye, everything seemed to vanish and I felt alone. 

My feeling of loneliness took me to a place of isolation and withdrawal and shook me to my core.  Behind my happy-go-lucky persona, I was on the verge of a breakdown that I could not explain or have the strength to find my way out.   For months my fatigue and anxiety increased to a point of uncontrollable exhaustion until my husband came home to find me sitting at my kitchen table sobbing without consolation and not being able to share my feelings.   All I could say was “I am not happy, I don’t know what to do with myself” I could not explain what I was feeling.   He simply took my hand—-looked into my eyes and said, “You need to make yourself happy; I can’t do that for you” and just like that, a light bulb went off. Those simple words guided me to begin my healing voyage with the help of a professional therapist.

I was raised to be a strong person, not to complain and to get things done regardless of its difficulty.  So, I filled my time with work, projects, friends, and entertainment—-pretty much something to disregard my feelings.  I do not recall advice about the value of spending time with myself—–my inner soul; it was about appearance, helping others and being of service.  Although I love these teachings, I asked myself: what about my feelings and how should I deal with them?   One of the many lessons I learned was not to suppress my feelings and to ask for help from someone I felt comfortable with…I had to stop pretending everything was fine or perfect!  My experience has truly taught me to:

• Be open to listen and to receive help;
• Spend time with self despite how frightening and unsettling it feels;
• Explore the things that make you happy;
• Understand this phase will pass;
• Not rely on others for approval or to make you happy;
• Dare to be different and bold;
• Establish boundaries despite rejection;
• Be vulnerable and loving;
• Be true to yourself and your imperfections; 
• Heal yourself without judgment.

So, remember to create a space that makes you happy and to take time to sit quietly with yourself.    Now, take a few moments to share some of your self-care practices. I would love to hear from you.

Believe in yourself
            in the power you have
            to control your own life, day by day
Believe in the strength
         that you have deep inside,
         and your faith will help
         show you the way
Believe in tomorrow
         and what it will bring
Let a hopeful heart carry you through,
         for things will work out
         if you trust and believe
         there’s no limit
         to what you can do.
 
By:  Emily Matthews

Have you ever thought, what am I doing? Where am I going?  Well, that was I in my early years ambitious but unclear. The “believing in yourself” poem inspired me during a time in my life that was hectic with the responsibilities of being a young mom, wife, student, worker and community activist.   My life was moving so fast it felt like a rocket without direction and too much motion.   

Sometimes I think how did I ever make it so far without falling on my face.  Then I realized that my determination, ambition and desire to prove others wrong propelled me into actions that I believed was my ticket to happiness and success – I lived a life full of disappointment and uncertainty.   

The poem was given to me by my husband to carry with me every day, I did.  He gifted me this card when we began dating, I was 17 years old and still in high school.  It served as a reminder that at the end of it all things will work out. I was moving 100 miles per hour without taking a breather or spending time with friends and family.  I was too busy chasing success that I lost my sense of self, what I believed in and the one thing that kept me going every day, the poem.

For years I inspired and motivated others, shared my wisdom and sought approval to reassure my place in the world.   I disguised myself as the perfect person instead of sharing some of my challenges and disappointments.  I never wanted to burden others with my pain; but, I, too, needed the encouragement, support and motivation I was offering to keep my energy up.  I was drained, lost, and the sad part of it, no one noticed or even asked.  

Life has a way of turning your world upside down to force you to take a pause. For many years, I have been non-stop until an unforeseen moment that required me to reassess my life’s journey.   After thirty-five years of floating on water, I found myself searching for my life’s purpose once again.  Surprisingly, the poem I lost reappeared into my life while I was decluttering my home office inside a black pocket-size cardholder.  I could not believe it was still in my life it brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face as I read it out loud recalling the moment my husband gave it to me during a time I was unsure about my future.  Just like that it showed up to once again inspire me to get my life back on track, to keep my faith, believe in myself and trust that things will work out the way it is supposed to be.    I have learned many lessons one of them being:  life is not a linear path as we think, but a rollercoaster of losses, strength, and courage.